Childhood Modeling
The most common cause of a critical spirit is living in a home where criticism abounds—where parents model a critical spirit before their children. Growing up in an atmosphere where criticism is the daily fare causes a child to adopt a critical spirit as an adult. After all, with children, “More is caught than taught.” Living with the grating sands of criticism causes heaviness of heart, and children will close the door to their feelings. Such parents provoke their child to anger, and the tendency for the child is to develop damaging patterns of criticism.
“Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.” (Proverbs 27:3)
• A critical spirit will often surface because …
— Rejection is felt.
— Anger is triggered.
— Fear is pervasive.
— Stress is building.
— Self-control is lost.
Childhood Wounding
The children’s rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” could not be further from the truth. Critical words can be more catastrophic than a natural disaster. There may be no visible destruction, but damage to the spirit of a child is devastating. Many children who live with messages that wound their self-worth will resort to criticism as a means of self-defense.
“I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.” (Psalm 109:22)
Harshness says—“You’re not worth consideration.”
Unconcern says—“You’re not valuable.”
Rejection says—“You’re not acceptable.”
Taunting says—“You deserve to be put down.”
The following checklist will help you to understand the person who has a critical spirit. Do you ever …
Secretly believe you are better than others?
Make assumptions about others without knowing the facts?
Obtain revenge for a personal offense?
Kid with the intent to hurt?
Envy the success of others?
Shift personal blame to others?
Camouflage personal discontentment?
Rebel against and resist authority?
Employ sarcasm as a source of humor?
Elevate self by putting others down?
Nurture perfectionistic tendencies to make yourself look better?
Root Cause
You can go all the way back to the Garden of Eden to find the first critical spirit. God asked Adam to give an account of himself. Knowing of course that he had sinned, Adam blamed God for giving him Eve, then blamed Eve for giving him the infamous forbidden fruit.
The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.’ (Genesis 3:12)
Isn’t it interesting how shifting the blame to God or someone else is so much easier than taking personal responsibility for your own wrong choices. We all have three inner needs—the need for love, for significance and for security. Criticizing someone else makes us feel a sense of significance—a sense of power—at least for the moment. But that feeling won’t last.
Wrong Belief:
“My sense of significance is enhanced when I show how others are wrong. The fact that ‘I am right’ justifies my criticism of others.”
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.” (Romans 2:1)
Right Belief:
When I am critical of others, I am only judging the sin in myself. Apparently, God thought I was significant enough to create me with His plan and purpose for me. Because Christ lives in me, continually extending His mercy toward me, I will reflect His mercy by encouraging the hearts of others.
“We urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14–15)
God uses close relationships to teach us truth about ourselves. That is why we all need to be open to the possibility that criticism often reveals specific areas in our lives that need to be refined. When we are criticized, we can choose to ask God if we have a habit that He wants us to eliminate. But if criticism proves to be unfounded, we still need to demonstrate loving encouragement to those who have been our critics.
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” (Proverbs 19:11, 20)
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6)
Key Passage to Read and Reread
James 3:1–12
The tongue, though small …
| • can be powerful like a bit, turning a large horse | v. 3 |
| • can be forceful like a rudder, steering a huge ship | v. 4 |
| • can be dangerous like a spark, igniting a great forest | v. 5 |
| • can be devastating like a fire, burning the whole body | v. 6 |
| • can be a corrupting force of evil, instigated by hell | v. 6 |
| • can be a restless evil full of deadly poison | v. 8 |
| • can be both praising and critical of others | v. 10 |
| • can be the instrument revealing whether the heart is impure | v. 12 |
Suppose someone said to you, “When I think of you, I think of Jesus.” How would you feel? In the deepest part of your heart, would you like to be like Jesus? If so, what was He like? Do you see Jesus as having a judgmental spirit? People were drawn to the Lord because He was an encourager, not a critic. He didn’t focus on their faults. Instead, He knew their needs and offered to meet them. When you experience authentic salvation, the Bible says you have “Christ in you” (Colossians 1:27). If you truly want to be like Christ, enlarge your heart to become an encourager.
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (Philippians 2:1–2)
• An encourager has a humble heart … a heart that sees its own shortcomings. Humble your heart to see your own sin, your imperfections and your immense need for God’s mercy. Rather than measuring yourself by human standards, measure yourself by God’s standard—the perfect Savior. Instead of making sure that others see how significant you are, make sure others see their significance to God.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23–24)
• An encourager has a compassionate heart …a heart that actively cares about the lives of others. Look closely at the life of Christ to learn His compassionate way of confronting the truth. Consider the woman caught in adultery—a crime for which stoning was the punishment—yet Jesus did not condemn her, he looked beyond her fault and saw her need, then compassionately met that need. (John 8:3–11.)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)
• An encourager has an understanding heart …a heart that learns and draws out the hearts of others. Don’t listen only to what people say on the surface. Listen for the needs and feelings beneath the surface … feelings of being unloved, insignificant or insecure. Pray that God will give you a discerning spirit as you seek to draw others out.
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” (Proverbs 20:5)
• An encourager has an accepting heart … a heart that offers a sense of security. Realize that everyone has an innate fear of rejection and a deep yearning for acceptance.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)
• An encourager has an appreciative heart … a heart that sees God-given worth in everyone.
• An encourager has a praising heart … a heart that praises the positives. Pray that you will see something positive in every person, then faithfully make that your focus.
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)
• An encourager has an exhorting heart … a heart that doesn’t wound with words. Reconsider the saying “Talk is cheap.” … Talk is costly when it tears others down. Present your words to God as His instrument for good, and pray that He will put His words into your mouth.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians4:29)
• An encourager has a discerning heart … a heart to see the deepest unmet needs of others. Instead of judging the inappropriate action of another, understand the need behind the action. Realize that people who sling cutting words reveal that they have at least one unmet inner need … the need for love, for significance or for security.
How to Respond to the Criticism of Others
Human nature says respond “in kind” to others—curse for curse, blow for blow. One of the clearest challenges of Christ is not to respond “in kind,” but to respond “in the Spirit.” To be Spirit controlled rather than situation controlled is not natural to human nature. Being Spirit controlled becomes natural to the new nature that a believer receives at salvation—the very nature and mind of Christ. Undoubtedly, to counter evil for evil is natural, but to counter evil with good is the supernatural work of Christ within you.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”(Romans 12:21)
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
Yet when you see your significance as a child of God—when you learn how dearly loved you are by the Lord—instead of tearing others down, you will be fulfilled in building others up. (Credit to J. Hunt)
Be blessed and encouraged today! Greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world! |
